Welcome dear novice. I suppose many of you, like me, have been seeing all this hoopla around this whole Guardian of the Galaxy thing and wondering, who are these Guardians? Well sit back and read on, I’ve taken the liberty of doing the research for you. In this quick post, I can catch you up on the whole Galaxy Universe and those guardians within.
First up, you’ve got the hot chick Gamora, well hot and green. Anyway, she’s pretty hot if I didn’t mention that, which gives her lots of super powers. First and foremost, she has the power of free drinks. That’s right, anytime she’s at the bar; she pretty much drinks for free. She can also be a total bitch all the time and everyone is like, “yeah, she’s a bitch, but she’s hot so yeah.” Rounding out her super arsenal is the power of forgotten money. This seldom used, yet powerful tool can be used whenever an insecure male around to score free cab rides, bags of weed, and dinners. She simply pretends to reach for her purse and says, “Oh darn! I forgot my money!” and the weak minded male instantly reaches for his wallet.
Next up is the Peter Quill, self-described badass, other described douche bag. Peter also has a host of abilities with a range effects. First off he has the ability to turn on or off emotions. This is actually not controlled, but instead triggered by if the situation personally affects him or not. His side kick is a small glob of hair get which jumps off his head to blind foes during fights. His last ability only known as “Trust-fund Bondsman” is a highly guarded secret, but thought to be some sort gateway to freedom from sticky situations.
Groot looks like a tree, but don’t be fooled he’s…fuck it, dude’s a tree. He has all the tree super powers you’d expect; shade in the summer, kindling for fire, fruit bearing, but he does some other stuff too. He makes a fine raft in a pinch for instance. He is also really good at not bending and dropping sap on your car. Being only weak to tornadoes, fire, Asian Wood Beetles, chainsaws, and woodpeckers, Groot is pretty much worthless now that I think about it.
Drax is a muscle bound dude with some serious vein issues. For real dude, you need to get that blood pressure checked out. Drax has the ability to think that he can toss his weight around that it has an effect on anyone over 30. This is witnessed early in his appearances when he cuts in line at Wendy’s. The business man behind him says, “Excuse me?” and Drax attempts to look tough, the business man folds his arm and makes a “seriously” expression. Drax then mutters sorry and moves to the back of the line.
Finally we have Rocket, otherwise known as the piece of shit that keeps digging in my garbage. Rocket has a team of super rodents at his disposal, and when he needs a corpse disposed of, some plague spread, or to just generally creep out the human populous, he twitches his whiskers and calls them to his cause. He has other abilities including finding left over pizza in my dumpster, scaring the shit out of me when I take out the trash, and most recently taking a dump in my driveway. Fuck you Rocket, just run out in front of my car already, just die…die.
Whoa, alright that last bit put me in a bad place. Anyway, there you have it, a novice guide to Guardians of the Galaxy. I’ll bet if you weren’t excited before, you are now, am I right? I’m sure my cohosts will want to review this on tape, with trial of Jean Grey if nothing else. So if you want more Guardians, check out the podcasts and of course the books themselves. Or you could read this badass article.