A Raccoon, A Tree, A Couple of Aliens, and the Dude From Parks and Recreation.


[Check out the Guardians of the Galaxy Trailer before reading this article unless you don’t want to.]

rocket_raccoon 01First of all, if you’re a recreational consumer of the magical fungus, this has to sound like the greatest movie ever.

The Guardians of the Galaxy trailer came out a few days ago, and there are already more trailer reviews, movie previews, and articles talking about the 2 and a half minute video clip than there are people buying the current issues of the comic book (approximately 60,000.  I checked.).

Let me start this article by proclaiming that I do read this comic.  While I have not read much before the Bendis run, the current volume of Guardians of the Galaxy is currently one of my favorite books.  I don’t even remember why I bought the first issue, but I’m diggin’ what my boy Brian is laying down (I follow Brian Michael Bendis on Twitter, so we’re pretty tight).

By the way, if you don’t know who Brian Michael Bendis is, then you’ve come to the perfect place to get your comic book related news (He writes the current run of the Guardians of the Galaxy comic, as well as a lot of other stuff. He’s good.).

Every article I’ve read about this trailer leaves me thinking that the world is full of people with Guardians of the Galaxy bed sheets and lunchboxes.  I call shenanigans!  But then again, what do I care?  I’m part of a podcast where our host proclaimed Silver and Bronze Age Sspider-Man books sell for “about for a buck an issue”.

By now you’ve probably read all of the well-educated, well-versed reviews of this trailer, but since at least one of you asked for it (I’m looking at you @tymathews) I’m happy to provide the following play by play analysis, in the key of Graphic Novice.

We start with some classic trailer music and the Parks and Recreation guy entering what appears to be Dol Guldur (please refer to “The Hobbit”).   He gets busted stealing a neat looking sphere, and when asked, announces himself as “Star Lord”.  Hilarity ensues when no one knows who “Star Lord” is.

I like the casting of Star Lord aka. Peter Quill particularly if there is going to be a lot of comedy.  I wasn’t on board at first but in a movie that features a tree and a raccoon, I have no idea why I wanted someone that seemed more inherently heroic.  I now think he was a great choice and apologize to anyone I debated this matter with.

After that all too famous Marvel screen that tells us Marvel fans “hey, this movie is for you guys”, we hear the familiar voice of Cal Naughton Jr.  Now, as a quick aside, I love John C. Reilly as much as you can love another man you’ve never met… and as a heterosexual man who doesn’t want to engage in a physical relationship with another man but maybe just wants to hang out and have a few beers.  All that said, I don’t know if I can process Reilly as anything but Cal Naughton Jr., or Dewey Cox, or Will Ferrell’s step brother in Step Brothers.   This is going to be a hard 180 for my brain.  He’ll be pretending to be some space dude, and ill be wanting him to sing “Walk Hard”.  We’ll see how that goes.

Reilly will be playing Rhomann Dey.  I have almost no idea who that is, but I just want you all to know that I could have tried to impress you by looking it up on Wikipedia and playing it off like I knew all along (honesty to a fault, that’s what you’re going to get around here).

So I guess “The Nova Corp” will apparently play a role in this movie too…  If you’re curious at all, its probably better for both of us if you just head over to Wikipedia or Google for a bit right now (please refer to above link).

Your back?  Good.  Let’s keep going…

We are now seeing Rhomann Dey (John C. Reilly) recite each of the individual Guardians’ rap sheets.  Drax the Destroyer, Gamora, Rocket Raccoon…  Being that raccoons are fairly unhygenic creatures (I think), Rocket spits on the floor when we hear his name…  Then (at long last) we see the mighty tree creature, Groot.  I wonder who would win in a fight between Treebeard (please refer to “Lord of the Rings”) and Groot.  I like Groot as a character, but since Vin Diesel will be “playing” him in this movie, I think I’d have to cheer for Treebeard (please refer to both “Lord of the Rings” and the “Fast and Furious” movies).  Does this mean Vin Diesel will only have to say 3 words in this entire movie?  “I am Groot”?  I feel like the right thing to do is stop trying to think of Vin Diesel comments right now, so that’s what I’m going to do.

I was terribly misinformed, and have only recently found out that Peter Quill, is actually Peter Jason Quill.  The name makes sense if you know his father’s name…  It appears this trailer taught me something.  Its the first time I’ve ever seen him referred to as Jason Quill.  Good thing I didn’t type a bunch of clever jabs at Marvel for screwing up the main characters name in their trailer, then have to erase it after looking up some stuff on Wikipedia.

The next scene made me wish I still had a Sony Walkman, and if I did I’d be pissed about aliens stealing it too.  Those things are going to be worth a shit ton on ebay in a few more years. A small part of me that i’m rarely in touch with hoped he’d be listening to “Space Lord” by Monster Magnet, but Hooked on a Feeling was pretty good too.

Parks and Rec guy would not be as funny on the show if I knew he was that ripped.  Guys who are in shape are not as funny, and harder to believe as pathetic.

Things really get going now…  we see the tree and the raccoon breaking out of prison, a bunch of action, sexy aliens tossing their hair and looking back at the camera sexily, Benicio del Toro as The Collector (another character your better off learning about on google than through Graphic Novice), and some comic relief to wrap it all up.

I like that the movie will be consistent with the current comics in terms of the humor, and I actually liked the look of this movie more than I thought I would.

I was happy to find out that Guardians of the Galaxy is tied to the rest of the Marvel Cinema Universe, and as always, I’m hoping for a cameo or two…  Cameos make me as giddy as a little school girl on Valentine’s Day.

With Bradley Cooper as a raccoon and Zoe Saldana as Gamora…  let’s just say, that’s a good looking couple right there…  watch for sparks to fly (sexually).

Guardians-of-the-Galaxy-DieselI was as skeptical as anyone when I first heard about this movie.  Why Guardians of the Galaxy I asked myself (there was no one else around)?  I can only assume someone at Marvel showed up at the monthly movie development meeting and asked “Hey guys…  Is there a movie you guys think we could get made where we might be able to cast Vin Diesel as a tree?”  Movies are made for less noble reasons than that.

After reading the comic books, watching the trailer, and reading articles about this movie flopping, I’m happily going into the theatre with a different approach than I did for Thor 2.   I’m going to sit down in the theatre and hope for the best.

Vin Diesel is going to be a tree.  There’s a sexy green lady alien, a smart-ass raccoon, Dr. Gonzo, Cal Naughton Jr., some sweet 70’s tunes playing on a Walkman, and in case I didn’t mention it, Vin Diesel as a tree.  If I was still allowed to consume hallucinogens, August 1, 2014 might have been my new Christmas morning.

Please send your hate mail and complaints to Nickel at Graphicnovice.com


3 thoughts on “A Raccoon, A Tree, A Couple of Aliens, and the Dude From Parks and Recreation.

  1. We are a bunch of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community. Your website offered us with helpful information to work on. You’ve done an impressive job and our whole group might be thankful to you.

    • Hey Shamika, Thanks for touching base with us. We’re happy to help with your new scheme in our community in any way we can, but naturally we’ll expect a cut of any ethically or unethically acquired monies associated with this scheme. We’ll help any way we can, but you know how it is… Graphic Novice gots bills yo!

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